Volume 23, Chapter 6

Thought I would drop a line quick while I had a minute. Everything in life is still a little disoriented. The dinner party over the weekend went well. I had a blast. Everyone there was absolutely fabulous. The man trouble . . . Still trouble. I thought we had made some progress, only to realize that he was being very selfish again. Maybe he really doesn't care for me as I believe he does. Maybe he is not the right one. Maybe I am wasting my time, I guess there's no sure fire way to know. Either way, I am holding my own and my head up high, even if it kills me inside. I am a very confident girl, and I know what I do and do not deserve, I just happened to fall for someone. It happens. I would be lying to you and myself if I said that I had given up hope. I keep praying as I type this that he calls and has a new found sense of removing his head from his own ass, but I know the chances of that are slim. If anyone is reading this, just say a little prayer for me.

Volume 23, Chapter 5

Hello all. I yet again only have a second of time. I am at work today, but I have a dinner party this afternoon. I have been looking forward to it for some time now. My bestfriend will be in from the East Coast and the dinner party is in his honor with a lot of his friends that I haven't met. I am excited. I love meeting new people. They tend to bring new adventures to your life, and lead you down unexpected paths. Nothing else is really new in my life, I have just been busy lately. I apologize for not having the time to post anything. I am not really sure if anyone even reads these things, but I like writting them anyway, they kinda' relax me. I think it has something to do with sorting my thoughts out and clearing my head. Anyway, the man I love is still a mess. To be honest, I don't know how to explain that situation. I can't go through life taken when I am really not, and slowly, I think my emotions toward him are beginning to change. I know I love him, but I may have to let him go. :-(

Volume 23, Chapter 4

As usual, I am pressed for time again. Does it ever seem like everything in your life is moving in slow motion, yet somehow, everything is spinning quickly out of control?? Sometimes I wonder if I am a control freak. I consider myself easy going, but I still like to have everything handled with a definite plan. This new career is a hard one to get started in without a whole lot of cash flow, and sometimes I become a little nervous. Then, I remind myself that this is surely the path that I am suppossed to be on, and I relax, and put my trust in God. I'm big on letting God take me where he needs me. Some people understand that, and some think I am crazy, either is fine by me. The lost loved one who recently contacted me. Hmmm???? I don't know what to say about or how to control that particular situation. Do I keep my undying faith in someone who ultimately doesn't derserve it because of how I feel about the situation?? From the outside looking in, the situation is doomed. I know that, and I do consider myself a VERY rational person, but my heart keeps telling me not to give up. I have been in love with people before, but its never been like this. I smile as I write it, even with the pain that has been involved, its an amazing feeling. I try to let go of that man, but my heart aches, my chest becomes heavy, my stomach feels as though there's a knife in it, and I can't get my breath, it puts me in awe. Maybe it won't work out, but I haven't given up just yet. :-)

Volume 23, Chapter 3

I have very little time today, I just wanted to make a quick entry. Not much has changed since my last post. My lost loved one contacted me over the weekend. I'm not sure what that means, or what I think of it. He means the world to me, but I refuse to remain in the position that being with me puts me in, I'm too motivated. I have to stay focused and move forward with my future and success. I guess you could say he dropped the ball. I would be lying if I said that I didn't pray that he would pick it back up and be 100% back in the game, but that's entirely up to him. I also want to make a note before I end this that my bestfriend had encouraged me to come and participate in this site, and he is yet to comment on any of my bloggs. That's kinda' crap. Vaud, if you're reading this, its about damn time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Volume 23, Chapter 2

Another day. My spirits aren't quite all the way back up, but they are rising slowly. A recent loss of a loved one in my life is weighing heavy on my heart still. I know I will eventually move on, but right now it seems like an uphill climb that will never end. I find myself relying on friends to comfort me. I thank God for them every day. Lately, and more often than not, I find myself relying on one in particular. He is a cousin of mine and is my life line when things go badly. I have a hard time sometimes because he lives on the east coast, and i am in the middle of the country, there's a lot of distance between us. We make up for it though, with phone calls and internet chats and messages. I don't know what I would ever do without him.

Home is a small town with not much to do but drink and party. I am young and enjoy partying, but I have already done so much of it growing up around here. I recently acquired my real estate liscence and am trying very hard to make a positive name for myself in this area. I have found myself, more and more lately, sitting home alone. My friends, even my very good friends, are still out running around and partying, getting into trouble, and being wild. All of my friends are older than me by a couple to several years, and they seem not to care that they live their lives freely like teenagers. Most of them live with their parents, with little ambition to move out. Two of my best friends recently went to jail on two different nights over silly things that never should have happened. I get lonely and miss hanging out with everyone, but it seems a lot safer and smarter to stay sitting at home any more. I look forward to meeting a new circle of people, hopefully fun yet mature, to do things with in my community. Its been a very lonely road lately, and I look forward to the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Volume 23, Chapter 1

Each day that goes by, I often find myself wondering in which direction I am going. Too often it feels as though my head is spinning. I try to remind myself that each day is an adventure, to stay postive and focused, only to discover that right as I am getting on track, something comes along to derail me again.
It sounds like I am complaining, and that is not what I want. I have absolutely no right on any grounds to complain. God has been great to me and given me more blessings than you have time to read about. Because of this, I often feel guilty for being unhappy about anything, which in turn causes me to be even more down than I was before the guilt set in. Its odd how this works. I find it easy, as do many of you I am sure, to slip into a rut almost impossible to get out of. This problem has weighed heavy on my mind for some time now.
I guess that the message I would like to share with you today is a lot easier said than done. If you recall the people in your past that have hurt you or done you wrong, how many of them have you forgiven? Probably most or all of them. I personally believe that God is like that, he is merciful and forgiven us as well. As we go through life, there will always be guilt, and guilt just shows that you have a conscience and keeps you grounded. Do not, however, let the guilt consume you and make you miserable. Life is full of adventures, and as in most adventures, you will get derailed now and then, and it IS OKAY to feel sad, regaurdless of what is going on in the rest of your world. So, each day, remember to quit being so hard on yourself, and forgive yourself just as you would anyone else.